My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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