sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
