What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
