I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
