the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
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