i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
