I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
