I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
