i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
