i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
