just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
