Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
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