I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
