tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
