You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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