If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i love accidental penises.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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