Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
