The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
