Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
