I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
