You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
