Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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