Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
