I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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