another moral hangover. fuck.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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