Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
