The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
smell my finger.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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