the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
