I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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