I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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