Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
