I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
