a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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