So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
