Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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