ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
