Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
