you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
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I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
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We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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