1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
