Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I use my feet as sexual weapons
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
