Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
