i would punch a child for taco bell
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I have so many feelings about this burrito
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