you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
