i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
