Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
