Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
