I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
