I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
His hands were made for my vagina.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
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