yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
