i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
