I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
