apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
