I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
