I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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