What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
