You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
