Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
