And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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