I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Randomize
