I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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