OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
