Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
