Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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